


Recovery

by Chalichi



Series: Breakdown [2]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Childhood Trauma, Phone Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 10:56:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14932919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chalichi/pseuds/Chalichi
Summary: This is part two of my breakdown series!





	Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> I want to point out that I am not a psychiatrist or a doctor, and although I’ve done some research some of the medical stuff in here might be wrong.  
> But it’s fiction after all. 
> 
> I hope you guys will like part two of my series!

“Where did I put it?!” Jesus growled into the phone he was holding in place between his shoulder and head as he were searching through the drawers of his computer desk.

“Put what?” He heard Daryl’s voice on the other end. “My shopping list!” Jesus said, sounding even more aggravated by the second.

“Maggie’s coming over any second to shop for me, and if I don’t have my list she will skin me alive!”

“Calm down!” Daryl said in a soothing voice. “You won’t find it if you’re flipping out. Breathe and retrace your steps!”

Jesus stopped tossing papers around himself and took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before letting it out, feeling some of the stress leaving his body. It had started happening more and more lately, Jesus getting upset and angry for the smallest things possible. Daryl was usually able to calm him down again, talking to him rationally and make him understand that it wasn’t that big of a deal. And he was grateful of having Daryl, but he really didn’t want to be a burden.

He was afraid that Daryl would one day realize how much of a pain in the ass Jesus really was and then break off with him. Daryl on the other hand reassured Jesus that it would never happen, that he wanted to be there for Jesus. Jesus really, really wanted to believe him.

“Oh! Here it is!!” Jesus suddenly exclaimed, picking up the list laying next the speaker of his computer.

“Ya found it?” Daryl asked, sounding almost as excited as Jesus was. “Told ya, keeping calm is the only way to find things.”

“Thanks man! Never could’ve done it without you.” Jesus said.

“Don’t mention it!” Daryl answered back.

*

”Don’t you look like a beam of sunshine!” Maggie commented as she walked through the door and laid her eyes on the man standing in the kitchen.

“Yeah, I love you too.” He shot back at her.

He knew he looked terrible with his hair in a messy bun and the dark circles under his eyes. He knew he would’ve poked fun at himself normally, but since his feelings were flying all over the place inside him at the moment he really wasn’t in the mood for Maggie’s sarcastic humor.

“Grumpy today?” She asked once she saw the look on Jesus face.

“No, just tired.” He answered, not having the energy or patience to even try explaining himself.

“All right!” She said, holding her hands up in surrender, signaling that she was dropping the subject.

“Let’s see here!” She said as she collected the list from Jesus and eyed through it. ”There’s a lot of junk food on here.”

“Yeah, what about it?” Jesus asked, snapping his eyes up from his phone to her.

“No reason really, but would you mind me buying some fruits and greens for you too?” She asked.

“Guess not.” He answered, looking down at his phone again. “Just don’t forget the keyboard for my computer.”

“I won’t!” She said, taking the credit card from Jesus outstretched hand and proceeded to walk towards the door.

“Anything else before I leave?” Jesus looked up at her with a smile and shook his head no.

“Alright! See you soon!” She said waving goodbye and left the kitchen, leaving Jesus alone.

*

“How have you been?” Carol asked as she looked up at Jesus from the cup of tea she was stirring.

Carol had appeared for their meeting just as Maggie was walking out from Jesus house after giving him his groceries, damn nearly colliding with the woman in the doorway.

“I don’t know.” Jesus answered, watching Carol’s hand as she kept on stirring the hot beverage. “Up and down I guess.”

“Any changes? Mood swings? Changes in your sleeping pattern?” She asked, picking up the spoon and putting it on the napkin on the table. The movement broke Jesus spell, making him snap his eyes up to Carol’s face.

“Well, Yeah.” He said, clearing his throat. “Been more irritated as of late. Daryl have pointed that out for me a couple of times.”

“You two still talking as much?” She asked, taking a sip of the tea.

“Yeah.” He said, smiling a little at the thought of Daryl. “Several times a day actually.”

“That’s good!” She said, answering Jesus smile with a smile of her own. “He seems good for you.”

Jesus nodded. He really thought so too. The last six months had been the best months since the Ethan incident. They could talk for hours without running out of things to talk about! When Jesus was feeling especially down, Daryl had a way of lifting him up.

“Yeah, he’s the best.” Jesus said.

“Have you two talked about seeing each other?” She asked then, making Jesus start a little.

Meeting Daryl? Sure it had come up in a few occasions, like when they were talking about things like watching a movie or stuff. Like, wishing to be with each other, to hold hands or kiss. But actually setting a date for seeing each other had never come up.

“I... ehh.” Was Jesus only answer.

“I take that as a no then.” Carol chuckled, taking another sip of the tea.

“Haven’t though about it I guess.” He said then, making Carol just shrug her shoulders and put the cup back down.

“I was only asking.” She said. “Mood swings you say.” She said then, changing the subject, to Jesus great relief. “Care to tell me about them?”

Jesus sighed and stared down at the table, following the scratches on the surface with his eyes.

“I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I have mood swings.” He said after a while, looking Carol in the eyes.

“When did they start?” She asked, keeping her eyes trained on Jesus.

“About a few weeks ago I think.” He answered, shrugging his shoulder. “Don’t know exactly.”

“Was it something special that happened to make you lash out? Did you talk about something?”

Jesus looked down at the worn table again, trying really hard at thinking back at when it had started. He knew he was on the phone with Daryl. They had been discussing something, and they had started arguing about it. It hadn’t been an important discussion at all. Something about super heroes or something similar.

“I was on the phone with Daryl. We were discussing something and I snapped.” He said after a while.

“What happened then?” Carol asked while writing in her notebook.

“Daryl tried calming me down, and when that didn’t work he said that we should hang up and that I should call him again when I’d calmed down a bit.” He said, feeling a little ashamed of himself while talking about the incident. He had acted so irrationally. “Which I did. And I apologized.”

”Have had any similar episodes like that later on?” Carol asked and glanced at him from her notebook.

“Yes.” Jesus said with a sigh. “Not on Daryl though. More like lashing out while I’m gaming and stuff like that. Broke my keyboard yesterday by throwing it around the room.” The last part he said more quietly, shame over his actions settling in over him like a cold blanket.

“Oh.” Carol said, her eyes widening by Jesus confession. “Well, I think we need to put you on a higher dose of your medication. Looks like your body is getting used to the dose.” She said thoughtfully.

“Will it help?” Jesus asked, leaning forward. He really hoped it would help, he was getting tired of being irritated by the smallest thing all the damned time.

“If were lucky it will provide you with some stability in your mood.” Carol said with a smile. “But, I think your behavior runs deeper than just putting you on stronger meds.”

“What do you mean?” Jesus asked, furrowing his brows in confusion.

“I mean that we can’t just drug you up whenever something new happens. Our goal is to put you off meds all together in the future isn’t it?” She asked putting her notebook down on the table and looked Jesus in the eyes. “We’ve been talking a lot about what triggered your ptsd, and some parts about your childhood.”

Jesus leaned back into his chair, not liking where this was going one bit. He didn’t like talking about his past. There was large portions in his childhood he had buried a long time ago, and that was one corpse he didn’t want to dig up.

“You’ve told me a little about your time in foster care, and some of the families you stayed at. But you’ve never told me how you got there.” Carol said. “You know I can’t make you tell me anything you don’t want to tell me about, but, it might help.”

Jesus was sitting in silence for a few minutes, pondering about Carol’s words. He’d heard about how unresolved childhood trauma could cause harm in adulthood, and how getting some closure by talking to somebody about it could help. The thing was that he didn’t know if he could tell anybody about the darkest day of his life.

“Think about it at least.” She said then, no doubt sensing the distress Jesus was going through.

“Yeah.” He said.

*

“How has your day been?” Jesus asked Daryl as he laid himself down on his bed.

“Same as everyday I guess.” He answered, sounding tired. “Been playing a new game today though!”

“Yeah?” Jesus answered excitedly. “Any good?”

“Nah. It was like a cheep gta knockoff. Crappy graffic and it didn’t run smooth at all. I’m gonna leave one of the worst reviews ever. Game like that shouldn’t exist!”

“Wow! Sounds like a shit-fest!” Jesus laughed. “And you’re not a picky player either!”

“Nope!” Daryl said with a hint of laughter in his voice. “Just imagine how bad this game was then.”

“Yeah. Wouldn’t wanna try it out.” Jesus said.

“You wouldn’t.”

Jesus kept on smiling thinking about Daryl trying to play a bad game. Then he found his free hand venturing further down his body, all the way down to the waistband of his boxers. As his hand trailed further down, cupping his flaccid penis through the thin fabric, his vision of Daryl changed drastically.

He was naked, laying in the bed beside him, staring up at him with those piercing blue eyes of his. Jesus let out a small moan as his penis stirred under his hand, responding to his thoughts.

“What are you doing?” He heard Daryl ask then, no doubt that he’d heard the noise he’d let out.

“Just thinking about you.” He answered then, trying to sound innocent.

“What am I doing in this fantasy of yours?” He asked, his voice dropping a few octaves, sending shiver through Jesus spine.

“You’re looking at me while you’re touching yourself.” Jesus answered, sounding more than a little breathless.

“Do you like that? Watching me touch myself?” Daryl asked.

“Yes.” Jesus said, squeezing his now fully erect member through his boxers, letting out another quiet moan. “Fuck!”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind fucking you at all!” Daryl said, suddenly sounding a little breathless himself.

“Are you touching yourself?” Jesus asked as he started stroking himself through his boxers.

“Yeah.” Daryl answered between heavy breaths. “I’m pretending it’s your hand touching me.”

“Yeah. I would give anything to have you here beside me right now.” Jesus breathed.

“Me to. Feel your skin against mine, kiss your lips, touch you. Fuck, want you so bad right now!” Daryl said in an almost pleading voice.

“I want to touch you so bad!” Jesus said, and gave up on his light teasing and finally started stroking is now aching cock underneath his boxers.

“I want to kiss you, feel your body move against mine. I want you to touch me, fuck me. Daryl...” Jesus moaned.

“Yeah. Come with me.” Daryl breathed, probably hearing how close Jesus was to losing it.

“Fuck, I’m coming.” Jesus groaned and practically exploded seconds later, he could vaguely hear Daryl doing the same through the thundering sound of his own heartbeat in his ears.

“So. That happened.” Jesus said a few moments later when they’d catched their breaths.

“Seems like it did.” Daryl chuckled.

There was a pause, Jesus desperately trying to come up with anything appropriate to say, because what do you say after phone sex? There was cuddling after regular sex, but Jesus couldn’t cuddle with Daryl now.

“I think...” Daryl’s voice broke the silence. “I think we should meet. Like in real life. Would you want that?”

*

Jesus couldn’t sleep. After hanging up the phone with Daryl every thought of sleep had left his body. A million thoughts were raising inside his head, primarily a voice screaming “WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE!?” At the top of its lungs at him.

He had done it, he had agreed to meet DaryL IRL. In person! It was a no-brainer really. He wanted to see him. Really much. But he had hoped to be more “himself” when he actually met him. Dared him to say “cured”?

It wasn’t like Daryl didn’t know what was going on with Jesus, but he couldn’t help to feel ashamed of himself regardless. Jesus took a deep breath and counted to ten before releasing it.

He thought about his meeting with Carol, what she had said about his past. What if she was right? What if telling her about his past would really help him? Wouldn’t now be the best time to try it out? He sighed and turned around in his bed, facing his alarm clock, the glowing red numbers shining angrily at him 04:30.

He groaned and buried his head underneath the pillow, hoping to fall asleep soon.

*

“I think I’m ready.” Jesus said after a moment of silence.

Carol looked up from her notebook and folded her hands over it. “Ready? For what?” She asked.

“To tell... to...” Jesus cleared his throat and started over. “To tell you about my past.” He said in one go, afraid to choke up again.

“You are?” Carol said, looking genuinely shocked. “Like I said before, I don’t want you to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable to share.”

“You said it could help right?” Jesus shot at her.

“I did.” Was all she said.

“Then I’m ready. I want to get better, I want to have a life again, to be able to go out again, meet people, get my own food. Hell even to be able to get out of my fucking house is a win.” He took a few calming breaths before continuing. “I’m ready. Where do I begin?”

“From the top.” She said grabbing her pen, getting ready to take her notes. “From what I’ve understood you came into foster care when you were around six. Why? What happened?”

Jesus took a deep breath and clenched his shaking hands as he searched deep inside his brain for the memories he’d tried so desperately to lock away, vowing never to think about them again. Leaving the past in the past.

“We can try this another time if you don’t feel comfortable enough to...”

“No!” Jesus all but shouted. “Just... give me a minute.” Jesus exhaled and started talking.

“My father had been abusing my mother for as long as i could remember. I always thought he was a mean man, but according to my mother, he hadn’t always been that way. I have no memories what so ever to back that up.

He wasn’t drinking that much, but he had a really bad temper all of the time. Kept on blaming their bad economy and other various things that went wrong in his life on my mother.

That day... I guess she got fed up with the situation. She woke me up in the middle of the night, telling me we had to go and fast! I didn’t understand why, but the desperation in my mothers voice told me not to ask any questions and just let myself get taken away by her.”

Jesus could feel the sting of tears pricking up in his eyes, and had to pause, swallowing the lump forming in his throat.

“As we were running out of the house I got a glimpse of the bedroom. There was blood... A lot of it, leading out from the bedroom door out to the kitchen.”

Jesus looked directly into Carol’s eyes, blinking away tears as he tried to keep his voice steady.

“That was when I realized it. She had killed him! I felt sick to my stomach, but kept quiet.

My mother didn’t have a drivers license, she had never sat behind the wheel even once that I can remember. But the desperation to get away from the scene must’ve won over rational thinking I presume. She put me in the passenger seat as she sat down by the wheels and started the car.

She didn’t get to far. The road was slippery from it raining the past two days. The lack of experience as a driver combined by the slippery roads was the reason for the ultimate disaster to happen.

The car slid over the wrong side of the road and flipped over into a ditch. As finally stopped it had already happened. My mother had bashed her head to the steering wheel multiple times as the car had rolled around, causing her to neck to break.

She died on her way to the hospital. I on the other hand got away with a few broken ribs, a fractured arm and a mild concussion. The vision of my mother mouthing that she loved me and that everything was going to be okay until she passed out hunted me for years...”

Carol stopped writing and looked up at Jesus. His eyes were shiny with unshed tears and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down with the times his tried swallowing down the growing lump in his throat.

“How were you found?” Jesus looked down at the table and fiddled with a piece of paper lying in front of him.

“There was a couple, living on a farm not to far away from the crash.” He said. “They heard it and went out there, trying to help.”

“The father of the family even followed us into the hospital, telling me he didn’t want to leave me alone, just in case of...” Jesus stopped talking, the pain and anger from the memories came bubbling up with and unexpected force.

“I think this will be enough for today.” Carol said, undoubtedly seeing the pain and sadness on Jesus face. “You did great, but for now you need a break.”

*

Jesus threw himself face-first on the bed and buried his face into the pillows. His head throbbed and eyes felt sore and swollen from crying so hard. After Carol had told him to stop the dam had burst, and he had broken down completely in front of the psychiatrist.

He had repeated again and again that he didn’t understood why he had reacted the way he did, that it was a long time ago, and that he had moved on. Carol had just held him tightly while he’d wept, waiting for him to calm down.

“It’s normal to react the way you did.” She had told him minutes later when he’d calmed down. “Since you never got the chance, or choose not to talk about this horrible incident before, all this pent up emotions you’ve carried inside of you escapes now instead. This is your way of dealing with this trauma. And it’s a good thing. It means you’re healing.”

Jesus huffed at the memory and rolled to his back instead. He felt more broken and exhausted than ever, the walk down memory lane and his breakdown had taken all of his energy. Daryl had texted him a while back, asking if he felt like talking. Even though he really wanted to hear the gamer’s voice, especially now when he felt like garbage, he just didn’t had the energy to keep any sort of conversation going.

Jesus rubbed his sore eyes and shut them, hoping to feel a little better after a nights rest.

*

Two weeks had passed since Jesus had told Carol about his past. She hadn’t pushed him to tell her anything more about it. And for that Jesus was grateful. Although Jesus felt like a huge weight had lifted from his soul. A weight he didn’t even knew he’d been carrying. His new medication had finally started kicking in too, making his mood feel much more stable. He wasn’t lashing out on anything and everyone around him anymore, which Daryl seemed happy about.

“You sound different!” Daryl had said one day. “Happier!”

“I do?” Jesus had asked, stretching out on the bed.

“Yeah.” Daryl laughed. “It’s been at least a week since you hit your computer from misspelling a word.”

“Ha-ha! Very funny.” Jesus huffed. “But I know what you mean. I feel much better. Lighter you might say.”

“Meds started working then?”

“I think so.” Jesus said. Jesus had thought about telling him the whole story he’d told Carol a few times, but had decided against it. At least for now. It wasn’t really a happy story, and he didn’t feel like bawling his eyes out again this soon. “Feels like it.”

“Well good! That’s great!” Daryl exclaimed. “Then umm...” Daryl started, seemingly searching for his words.

“What?” Jesus asked, a smile tugging on his lips. “I was thinking about the other thing we talked about. You know, before.”

Jesus shot up to a seating position on his bed, his hair almost covering his face completely by the force.

“The - us meeting - thing?” Jesus asked after removing long strands of hair from his mouth.

“Yeah.” Daryl exhaled, sounding unsure. “Giving it any thought?”

He had. Everyday. But he wasn’t sure of when. Sure he felt better now, but he wasn’t cured yet. Not by a long shot! He was battling with his old shit now along with the new shit! But... he really wanted to meet him. Really bad!

”Paul? Ya there?” Daryl said after a long pause.

“Yeah. I’m here.” Jesus said quickly, not realizing how long he’d stayed quiet.

“Good. Ya scared me a little.” Daryl said. “So... have you?”

“I have. And I want to.” Jesus said, pausing, not really know how to continue.

“But?” Daryl asked then.

“I don’t know.” Jesus breathed, exhaustion sweeping over him like a heavy blanket.

“Ya don’t know when you want to meet or ya don’t know if you want to meet at all?” Daryl asked, his voice sounding small and sad.

“When.” Jesus said, sounding just as small.

He felt like an complete asshole. What was stopping him? It wasn’t like he had anything to hide from Daryl! He knew everything about him at this point! Well, almost at least.

“I’m sorry, I’m nervous I guess.” Jesus said then, followed by a nervous laughter.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.” Daryl said. “I understand. Don’t want to push ya , but. I really want to see you.”

“I know. I want to see you too. Don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Jesus said, rubbing his face with his free hand. “It’s like I get scared by the thought of deciding a date for us to meet, it gets too real you know.” Jesus laughed again, this time at his own silliness.

“Let’s not set a date then.” Daryl said, sounding a little less sad now. “Not yet at least.”

*

Jesus looked down at his phone for the hundredth time in an hour, his screen still not showing any answer from Daryl. They had talked on the phone like normal the night before, no arguments, nothing! They had been talking about Daryl taking two weeks off from work soon, he’d said he could use a break, working a little on the house and his bike.

At first Jesus had thought Daryl was out or something when he hadn’t answered his phone that morning. He hadn’t begun being worried until in the late afternoon when he still hadn’t gotten an answer on the five texts he’d sent him. Now he was starting to become really worried.

Had he said anything he shouldn’t? Was Daryl angry with him for some reason? Was this his way of breaking up for still not giving him a date for their meeting? Had his worst fears come true and Daryl was finally fed up with him and his shit? If so, why couldn’t Daryl tell him straight out?

Jesus paced back and forth in his living room a couple of times before he sat down by his computer, opening up the game chat. Maybe Daryl was online! Maybe his phone was broken and he was away trying to fix it?! Jesus heart sank in his chest

‘Devi1-Lorde - online 1d and 3/h ago.’

Jesus stared at the screen feeling helpless and confused. Why would Daryl do like this? Jesus was just about to close down the chat when the ding of a new chat message perked him up.

‘simply-Rhee235: hey dude! Long time no see! What’s up?’

Jesus heart sank again. For a split second he’d thought it was Daryl messaging him from the chat. He thought about ignoring his chat buddy, who’d he actually become quite close with.

His real name was Glenn. He was 26 years old and worked as a pizza delivery guy.

Jesus sighed and opened the tab to answer the poor guy. It had been a long time since they’d talked after all and he really needed the distraction.

‘jesus_christ: hey. Yeah, been busy, sorry about that. Nothing much, waiting for Daryl to reply to my texts.’

‘simply-Rhee235: Yeah! I’ve heard he was going away for a couple of weeks. Might be why he isn’t replying right now.’

Jesus froze when he saw what Glenn had typed down. Going away? Where? Already? Why hadn’t he told him about that? He had multiple opportunities the night before!

Jesus wrote his reply so fast he thought he was going to break the keyboard by the sheer force of his fingers.

‘jesus_christ: away? Where?!’

Jesus stared at the frame of his keyboard as Glenn wrote his answer down for what felt like an eternity. His emotions were running wild with him, worry, sadness, anger and back to worry again. He couldn’t sort them out or focus on a single one of them. It was torture!

‘simply-Rhee245: I don’t know, he didn’t tell. All I know is that he was going away and wasn’t going to play for a while. Sorry dude. I’m sure he will get back to you soon though.’

Glenn’s answer did nothing to calm him down, quite the opposite actually. He felt like smashing his screen and throw his new keyboard across the room, but stopped himself from acting out. It wouldn’t help.

‘jesus_christ: hope you’re right. Would you call me if you hear from him though?’

‘simply-Rhee235: sure man! I’ll do that!’

With that answer Jesus turned his monitor off and walked over to the bedroom. He looked at his phone again, knowing nothing had happened since the last time. With one last defeated sigh Jesus closed his eyes for the night, hoping sleep to take him.

*

Jesus woke up from a restless sleep, dreaming about someone banging on his door, but every time he’d opened it no one was there. Jesus sat up on the bed and glanced at his phone, still not a single text from Daryl.

Jesus frowned and laid back down on the bed again. Just as he’d shut his eyes the banging on his door could be heard again.

Had he already fallen asleep again so soon? He opened his eyes and listened carefully.

A few seconds later he heard the banging again. Jesus slid down from his bed and walked out to the hallway quietly, his heart pounding in his ears with fear. He wasn’t expecting anyone!

He grasped the remote to the front door lock. He’d been getting over the fear to touch the door a few weeks ago, but used the remote from time to time, just for the convenience of it.

He pointed the remote towards the door, breathed in and pushed the button. The door buzzed and clicked as it unlocked and Jesus took a few steps backwards.

“It’s unlocked.” He said with an unsteady voice. “Come in.”

He held his phone in a tight grip as he watched the door carefully.

As the door swung open Jesus dropped the phone on the floor. His mind went completely blank as the only thing he could focus on was the being inside of his home.

“Um hi...” Daryl said carefully, standing in the hallway watching the frozen Jesus in front of him. “Sorry for not giving you a heads up, I wanted to surprise you.”

Suddenly something in Jesus brain switched on into high gear and he almost knocked the taller man over as he launched himself at him, holding him tightly.

“I forgive you, if you promise to never do this again.” Jesus said, his voice muffled by Daryl’s shirt. “I thought you were done with me.”

“You thought what?!” Daryl asked, sounding more than surprised.

“I don’t know, you didn’t answer, and I thought...” Jesus shrugged and backed away from the embrace, feeling a little silly.

“Oh. I wouldn’t do something like that, I’m not twelve!” Daryl laughed and shook his head. Jesus chuckled and looked up at Daryl who had taken a few steps towards him.

Jesus felt nervous under Daryl’s intense gaze. it was like Daryl’s eyes drew him in completely, made him forget everything around him. Jesus surged forward a little, testing the waters a little.

Daryl caught on quickly, closing the space between them met Jesus lips with his own in a soft kiss.


End file.
